2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
Randomize