the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
Last comment. I know of no exercises, diets or practices out there to help keeping balls young and healthy. They simply succumb to gravity.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
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