finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
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