One of my boys faked an orgasm while fucking a girl tonite, w/ out wearing a condom mind you.
She caught him, and immediately put her clothes on and left.
Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
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