Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
I was thinking about texting her and telling her I had syphilis when I was with her and that she should get tested. just for shits and giggles. skank dahaha
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
Randomize
