The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
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