She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Randomize
