I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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