I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
Randomize
