She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
She has the best kind of daddy issues
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
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