i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
what the hell is that chicken wire thing she's holding?
An artistic expression of her stupidity.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Randomize
