NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
Laurln. I am dying. I am npt alive. Adderrall is not a real thing. Death is a rwal thing which I understandably
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
Refresh my memory....were we forced to leave or did we choose to leave?
Randomize
