Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
Can you bring me the toilet please
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
