Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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