If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
You know your from las vegas when the girl on the stage in the strip club was in my US gov class senior year
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
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