two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
Randomize
