**** and his GF asked me to give his stuff back, and they would give me a 100. HA, they dont know I have it to charity haha
Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
I'm filtering his penis picture so I can see it better
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
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