ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
I didn't realize how trashy of a night we had.
Welllll, you did eat a cherry out of my pussy. So I think that classes it up a little.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
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