Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
So all semester this guy and girl have been talking, and today is the last class and we are doing nothing. I would have skipped but I want to see if he seals the deal or pusses out. It's like a season finale.
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
Randomize
