Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
Thus began an intricate shell game of nude cardigan photos
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
