but i am gonna have to have sex w/ him again to get my earrings back
just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
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