I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
please visit steve this weekend, he is getting mature and responsible and shit which scares me.
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
Randomize
