I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
Randomize
