who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
of course. lets lasso hookers.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
Randomize
