omg he said he wants to insert his penis into my vagnia what do i say
tell him to stop quoting family guy
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
