If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
Randomize
