Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
In anticipation of No Judgement Tuesday, I believe a Can We LOL At What We Did Last Night Saturday is in order
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Randomize
