I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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