you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
Randomize
