o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
Those nachos came to me in a dream
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
Randomize
