You hook up with other guys, let him talk to other girls.
no
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
Randomize
