my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
38 yer olds are good kisserssss
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
No I come to this class stoned every week. Except last week when I was drinking in class
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