My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
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