a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
Randomize
