if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
We could have mediocre awkward sex or mediocre stunted/awkward/uncomfortable banter. The possilities are relatively finite
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
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