god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
Ya but I plan to getting arrested more towards the end of summer
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
Went and sat in the wrong fucking class for 30 mins, answering questions and shit. What ever this is i will be on it for the rest of the semester.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize