I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
Randomize
