why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
Don't worry, there is no such thing as a fat, old or ugly blow job.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
no more duck duck goose at the bar
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
would it be uncouth to smoke a joint during office hours
This is why you're my favorite TA
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
