I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
Randomize
