I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
Randomize
