So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
If he isn’t into CosPlay he will be after tonight. That naughty nurse outfit heals broken hearts
Randomize
