I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
that's when I learned why R Kelly peed on that bitch
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
Randomize
