first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Randomize
