Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
Randomize
