Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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