Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
OMFG BINX FROM HOCUS POCUS IS MCGEE IN NCIS!!!!!!!! most. epic. realization. ever.
She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Randomize
