i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Randomize