What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
random boy in my bed. last night wasnt a dream. fuck.
Randomize
