My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
well, if it gives you any insight into how crazy it was, i am currently wikipediaing "anullment"
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
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