My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
do you believe in love at first sight?
awwwwww =)
yea.. so can i have your sisters number? thanks!
Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
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