Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
Randomize