The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
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