My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
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