I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
If by whore you mean UPGRADE....then yes I am
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