I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
Nobody cheats on THIS.
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