I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
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