nut hugger
I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
well, the two that sent pics I've already been with, so at least its not just BAM HERE'S MY PENIS IN YOUR INBOX ENJOY THOSE MEGAPIXELS
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
Randomize
