hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
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