im glad we only fight about serious things like the hills and disney scene it
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
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