Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
There's a group of australian girls next to me. can't take them seriously. think they are going to turn into mr g
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
Randomize
