There is no way to make a throwing up smiley so just picture it....
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Randomize
