you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
