dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
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