She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
Randomize
