Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
and technically it was a rebound
so lol
and then you got rebounded for the same girl he rebounded you for and still never scored ... it was like watching an LA Clippers game
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
He literally asked permission to hit on me
Randomize
